I swear to Christ if Jesse James cries ‘sex addiction’ I am selling my bike.

The other day I was at a bowling alley for a birthday party for a 9 year old girl.

No, that’s not the bit …

The weird part was that I didn’t know anyone there.

That’s the bit …

Seriously though … I was at a bowling alley with my daughter for a party for one of her friends.

So, I am getting ready to put my rented bowling shoes on … which is just odd, because anyone who knows me, knows that I have a ‘shoe’ thing … don’t like to be dirty … and the older I get I am becoming more and more of a germaphobe …

So I slide these bacteria boats on my feet and I start looking around the bowling alley and it looks like the bar scene from Star Wars … just a wretched looking crew and I think … I wonder who else in this establishment has worn the same shoes I have on and what kind of foot fungus is latching onto my feet as I sit here waiting to roll a ball at pins.

Which is weird because I had just had the thought … you know when you go into a restaurant and you start eating and you are using the fork … do you ever start thinking about all the fucking jacked up people who have had that same fork in their mouths.

Just the nastiest of all nasty … the dirtiest and foulest person around could have, and probably has had that fork in their mouth … and we think nothing of just putting it in our mouths.

And the only person who is keeping us from sharing whatever mouth full of disease that the previous person had is a dishwasher.

Yep, your body, your immune system and your very life is in the hands of some guy making about $6 an hour.

Think about that one the next time you are about to mow that Denny’s Grand Slam at 2 in the morning.

Which gets me to the next one … bowling shoes and restaurant forks have nothing on SOAP. Yes, soap. The soap in your shower, the soap in your bathroom, the soap in whatever shower you happen to be using.

We think nothing of picking up a bar of soap in whatever shower we happen to be in and just rub it all over ourselves ... lather our face up with it ... and it never crosses our minds that that same bar of soap has been in the ass crack of another person.

I used to have a few roommates and we had people in and out of our house all the time and you never thought twice about just jumping in and soaping yourself up.

And why? Because it’s soap …

And what about that random hair you find on it … not really sure who or where it came from …

Yep, you still use it … cuz it’s soap …

I heard a radio ad … Thunder Valley Casino … offering special deals for State Employees who were subject to Furlough Friday’s. Yep, you hear that State of California Employees, if the state can’t afford to employ you 5 days a week, you can spend your Friday’s off drinking and gambling!

So I heard this one … some dipshits want to ban Ronald McDonald.

They feel that the use of a ‘clown’ as a logo/brand/spokesman manipulates and and exploits children into eating unhealthy foods.

What the fuck? This is the kind of shit that really gets to me.

So we are going to tell one of the most powerful companies in the world who or what they can use in their advertising?

An image, an icon, that they have used for decades and help build them into the powerful, successful business that they are today.

Doesn’t that go against everything America stands for? Free enterprise? Freedom of speech?

Freedom in general?

And this has nothing to do with McDonald’s or Ronald McDonald … it has everything to do with fucked up people, doing fucked up things because they have too much fucking time on their hands.

Let’s sue, let’s take this person to court, let’s tell this team what they can call themselves, let’s tell this company they can’t use this image, let’s tell the public what they can eat, let’s tell the public what they can listen to, let’s tell the public what they can watch, let’s tell …

Fuck, enough is enough!

Look, this is on the parents …

Do your fucking job … PARENT!

Watch what your kids eat. Know who your kids hang out with. Listen to what your kids are listening to. Watch what your kids are watching. Know what video games they are playing. Know what websites they are going to.

It’s not the clowns fault …

K … some quick hitters …

There is something very, very gay about the Shake Weight. Watch that commercial sometime … kind of let's me know what prison would be like ... a muscle bound black fellow jerking something violently.

Scares me straight.

One of these days they are going to find me … wearing a Snuggie made of Sham-Wows, working out with my Shake Weight.

Oh, I saw a commercial for this … LBL … what is it you ask?

Light Bladder Leakage.

If you suffer from LBL ... you’re not alone … now there is help …

LBL??? I swear they are just making up these ailments! Restless Leg Syndrome, Light Bladder Leakage … Bowling Shoe Foot Fungus, Restaurant Fork Syndrome … Ass Crack Soap Infection.

The Dallas Cowboys trade up to get wide receiver Dez Bryant. Jerry Jones immediately give the kid number 88 and says that Michael Irvin is going to be a mentor and role model for the troubled Bryant.

Michael Irving a role model and mentor.

Lots of jokes there … but boy have times changed.

I have noticed yogurt shops making a comeback. Popping up on every corner. Just like in the 80’s. You know what other 80’s thing that seems to be making a comeback?

Pubic hair.

Pubic hair on women … I've noticed it’s been sneaking it’s way back into Playboy. Just a little bit here and there … hadn’t seen pubic hair in 10 years …

So that’s it … 80’s retro … Yogurt Shops and Pubic Hair.

I caught another epic SyFy Channel movie … Mega Piranha … starring Tiffany and Barry Williams … yes Greg Brady and an 80’s Pop Star (bet the carpet matches the drapes) and bad computer generated fish.

I have written about this before but catch one of these SyFy films … almost so bad they are good. But what star power in this one … I mean how many people do you think they called before they ended up with Tiffany and Barry Williams … 200? … 300?

And Tiffany, I watched just to see what she looked like … I didn’t know who she was for 20 minutes of watching this suck fest … she looked like an aging soccer mom … and aren’t you required to check the ‘one name’ status when you are driving the mini-van and doing the occasional bad cable tv acting gig …

I read an article about sports stars and their superstitions …

Major League slugger Jason Giambi wears gold thong underwear when he is in a slump … so I am thinking … has Jason been wearing those things for the last 4 years? Hope he washes ‘em …

Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger in the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie is great casting.

Good for you Kelly Leak.

I was watching some show about how winning the lottery was a curse and how it ruins people’s lives.

Is that supposed to make us glad we haven’t won it?

And lastly … I was at a stop light … this guy crosses the street on a unicycle … just cruising on that thing, but a car is coming down the street and goes to turn left and almost hits him …

I just thought … what a fucked up, not sexy way to die … killed riding a unicycle …

I just went and saw the Black Eyed Peas and Ludacris (no that’s not a bit) … it was an amazing show, top 5 concerts I have ever been to … why do I mention it? …

because that’s the inspiration for April’s song of the month …

I gotta run … I have a meeting with Mayor McCheese …


- Until next time - SEM