So I am in the restroom at Walmart (no that’s not the bit) …
and I am minding my own business at the urinal … the guy on my left finishes up … he goes to the sink …
and he is washing his hands when I notice he only has ONE hand and he is standing there washing his HOOK.
Walmart bathroom … a guy washing his hook.
Talk about something you don’t see everyday.
So I think to myself … why are you shining up the hook?
Are you actually holding your dick WITH the hook? Did you get piss on it?
Do you just automatically wash the hook?
Are you concerned with germs on the hook like you are with your hand?
Do you use Purell on the hook? Is there hook lotion?
Aveeno on the left … WD-40 on the right?
Well, speaking for myself … I know I don’t like anything sharp around my dick, even if it is a ‘self-controlled’ hook.
I mean … I control knives, scissors, chain saws etc … and I don’t want them around my dick … so I am gonna go with … he just washes it out of habit … like he would his hand.
This is the shit that flies thru my head when I am just trying to take a 30 second piss.
I was at my office and this lady comes in … just big and gruff and alpha personality … you know loud, but loud in the husky, business, no sexuality kind of way … like you wouldn’t be surprised if she had an Adam’s apple …
When she leaves I ask one of the girls … ‘who was that?’
She says … ‘oh that’s Roberta’
Hmm, yeah … that figures … Roberta.
ROBERTA … I knew her name wasn’t Britney …
Which brings me to this: You can pretty much path out a child’s life by the name you give them.
You can map out their personality, their career choice, their relationship choices and opportunities, just by the name you happen to give them.
And while there are exceptions to every rule … think about this …
This lady who came into my office … I probably could have told you her name without asking anyone.
Roberta. Brenda. Shirley. Whatever … That’s the type.
If you name your son Jake, Sam, Troy … you are going to get a good strong man.
There are no pussies named Jake. It’s a rule.
That said … name your son Elliot, Wendall or Irving and you probably wouldn’t feel safe going to war with one of these guys but Jake, Sam and Troy will probably end up working for Elliot, Wendall and Irving some day.
Name your daughter Amber, Tiffany or Britney and you most likely have a pretty, popular cheerleader type. Who will either marry for money or be given a job that she doesn’t deserve because she is a hot chick.
Not many ugly girls name Britney. It’s a rule.
The only worries about giving your daughter one of those names is 1) teenage pregnancy 2) keeping her off the pole
But God is fair … not many Britney’s in the Ivy League either.
Name means a lot.
My friend Mark just had a baby boy and his name is Jack … Jack Pitman.
I am not sure there is a stronger man name than Jack Pitman. I mean, I am already kind of afraid of Jack Pitman and show him proper respect.
Logan is another great example. I know of two guys around where I live named Logan and they would both kick the shit out of you because you parked too close to their pick-up truck.
Want a great man name … New England Patriots guard, Logan Mankins. Geeezus fuck, what a name. My buddy Uncle Drew actually grew up with Logan Mankins …
If someone said that name to you … oh, I am coming to the BBQ with my friend, Logan Mankins … you would automatically put on a couple extra steaks.
Now if someone said … I am coming to the BBQ with my friend Blaine Westingham … you would probably say … um, tell Blaine to bring his own tofu dogs and micro brew.
Two college quarterbacks have the name Colt. Colt Brennan and Colt McCoy … two fucking great names that were born to be quarterbacks. Hey, Stanley Brennan is an insurance agent … Colt Brennan is a quarterback.
Chuck McCoy is the guy who changes your oil … Colt McCoy is an NFL first round draft pick.
The name you pick is very important.
Another example: Tiger Woods. Tiger is not his given name … it’s Eldrick. Yep, Eldrick Woods.
Tiger was his nickname and he legally changed it years ago. BUT, you can tell there is still a huge emotional conflict between his inner-Eldrick and his outer-Tiger. That’s why he overcompensates by banging every cocktail and diner waitress he can … because Eldrick never could. And he knows that.
Eldrick would still be rich, and successful but more in a privileged, took over daddy’s company, kind of way … but chicks wouldn’t be throwing their panties at him …
But they do at a super rich, super famous athlete named Tiger … and he knows that …
and so does his inner-Eldrick.
The name means a lot. The name you give your child is very, very important …
If I was in a street fight, I would want Jack Pitman and Logan Mankins with me.
On name alone ...
Okay, some quick ones …
SIN note: I ended the decade with my top 10s and I made a correction … which I try not to do, unless I make a glaring factual error, but in this case where I was trying to wrap up a decade … a decade where I definitely have some hazy memory spots … I amended the top ten movies …
Hustle & Flow … the 2005 Terrence Howard movie … so Gladiator was bumped and you will also notice I redid the SIN site … and this year I will feature a song of the month. On the right, this month, the featured song is Hustle & Flow in honor of my updated list … (give it a listen, a soundtrack to the SINacle experience)
A couple things …
Kurt Warner goes 29-33 with 5 TD passes in the Cards playoff win. You know you have a good game when you have more TD’s than incompletions.
You will be missed Kurt … enjoy retirement … you earned it.
I was watching the Monday Night Football game between the Browns and the Ravens and John Gruden says … if the Ravens wore their ‘throwback uniforms’, these teams would have the same uniforms on.
Great line.
Dwayne Wade scores 50 of the Heats 99 points vs Magic. More than half of his teams points on 29 LESS shots than his teammates.
I love all of the Rocky movies … but I caught Rocky III the other day …
Is there a gayer scene than Rocky and Apollo running on the beach then hugging and jumping around in the ocean … eeeegads.
Ever notice the ‘serving size’ on a label of a loaf of bread is 1 slice … so each sandwich I eat TWO servings of bread?
A club sandwich is THREE servings of bread?
This is the shit that torments me.
And back to my top 10 lists … my favorite TV show was Sopranos … and I have been catching the reruns on A&E … what a great show … and there is something I noticed …
You can tell what season it is by the collective weight of the cast.
Lastly … a friend of mine … is a DJ … DJ ADA … we were in the joint together … doing 28 to Life … but he has some of his beats on YouTube … click to check him out, I am proud of this kid … he’s got something …
Be looking good Warrior …
Remember … the name is important, and …
if you name your kid Scott … you set him up to be an alcoholic, underachieving smart ass who thinks it’s a good idea to write an online column …
- Until Next Time - SEM
