Vampires are so hot right now.

3-D movies are so hot right now.

Betty White is so hot right now.

A 3-D Vampire movie, starring Betty White! … it can’t miss!!!

Or Hollywood can just scrounge up some more old 80’s TV shows to make into movies … how about Fall Guy, Bosom Buddies or Kate and Allie? … on the heels of the A-Team movie, the Riptide movie is probably being greenlit as I type this. How about Hardcastle & McCormick, The Greatest America Hero or The Facts of Life?

Hart to Hart, Quincy, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, The White Shadow? (well, I might actually go see The White Shadow)

Cagney & Lacey? Cagney & Lacey: starring Kathleen Turner and Philip Seymour Hoffman.

That thing writes itself!

I am kidding, but the scary thing is, probably 3 or 4 of those movies gets made …

Hollywood has sucked ass lately, but I'm tellin' you, that Betty White 3-D Vampire movie is PURE GOLD!!!

Have you heard about this? In the world’s troubled economic climate, the Queen of England is going on a ‘pay freeze’.

Wow.

I looked this up … the ‘Royal Household’ is actually paid 11.7 million dollars annually.

Wow. And think about this … how weird is it that, in the year 2010, there is still a Queen? ... why?

And that she gets paid 11 million dollars … why?

Well she is taking one for the team … pay freeze.

You go girl!

You go girl … yes that is my segue into this month’s topic … lame, tired sayings.

A couple days ago, I actually heard some lady say to her friend … ‘You go girl!’

And as my skin crawled … I started thinking about all these tired, out of date, ‘hip’ sayings that people still will just not let go of.

Where do we start?

How about a point of reference? A scale, we’ll call it the SINacle Punch Scale … meaning how likely would you be to get punched in the face if you used one of these ‘sayings’ seriously in a conversation with me. 10 being most likely to get a face full of knuckles and a 1 being, you’ll probably get a pass, especially now that I am not drinking anymore.

OK, let’s set the bar …

A 10, a good solid punch in the mouth 10:

‘Don’t go there!’ - 10 (just typing it makes me want to punch myself)

And we will set the low curve:

‘My bad’ - 1 (this is one I still use waaay too much)

‘You go girl’ - 9

‘Oh, no you didn’t’ - 8

‘That’s what I’m talking about’ - 8

‘That’s how I roll’ - 7

‘That’s gonna leave a mark’ - 9

‘NOT’ (as in … I like when people say that … NOT!) - 10

‘Talk to the hand’ - 10 (talk to the fist)

‘Like _____ on steroids’ … or … ‘Like _____ on crack’ - 4

‘It’s all good’ - 5

(feel free to add your own to the SINacle guestbook)

I mean there has to be a shelf life on these sayings. An expiration date.

Some sort of internal clock, otherwise we’d still be saying ‘Where’s the beef?’

I had someone suggest ‘wazzzzzuuuuup’ which would probably be an 11 if someone seriously used that with me.

Also a suggestion was ‘true that’ which I would put at about a 4, but it’s getting very close to the white guy using some cool ‘street’ talk, which adds 2 or 3 penalty points, but I only give it a 4 because I have fully adopted but have been trying to wean off of ‘my bad’ and it is really from the same family. But if I ever got a ‘true dat’ … it would be a good solid 10.

But there are two currently in use that have immediately gone to the Punch Scale … my 16 year old son uses these on me …

Really?

Seriously?

These, with that fucked up condescending tone which just makes me want to give him a beating.

I respond, yes, SERIOUSLY I am gonna kick your ass!

Those one’s are immediate 10’s.

They don’t even get that, it was cool for a while but now my parents and boss at work are using it so now it’s waaaay fucking tired and I won’t use it anymore, grace period.

They go straight to Jail, they do not pass Go, they do not collect $200. (which in itself would be about a 5)

The irritation level of those two just grate the fuck out of me …

You see me in the street … remember the scale …

Yes, SERIOUSLY!!!

OK, some quick hitters …

Apparently, to pitch a perfect game in Major League Baseball, everyone, including the umpires, must be perfect.

Crying shame what happened to that kid from the Tigers.

Speaking of … this has always bugged me … why are pitchers such bad hitters?

I mean, in Little League, the best players were always the pitchers … best hitters, best players, best athletes. Then they go to high school, it carries over … but somewhere in between college, minors etc, they turn into uncoordinated turds with a bat in their hands.

What happens? It would be so easy to just blame it on the DH or the fact that they only play every 5 days, and I am sure that has something to do with it … but it still bugs me.

Keeping on the baseball theme … how nice it is, at the time of this writing there are 25 starting pitchers with ERA’s under 3. In both leagues. And while it’s an aberration that there have been 2 perfect games (also a couple no hitters, oh and really, 3 perfect games, right Armando Galarraga?) how refreshing has it been that home runs actually mean something?

I love a good, well pitched, well played 3-1 baseball game …

Not those 13-11 slow pitch softball games when middle infielders were hitting 50+ HRs a season.

The ‘steroid era’ was just a huge pit stain on the game and history of baseball.

I am just sorry the ‘steroid era’ wasn’t in the 80’s … it would have been perfect for the decade of big hair, shoulder pads in women’s clothes and leg warmers.

Is it weird that I am still afraid of stopping under a freeway overpass? Such flashbacks from the San Francisco earthquake, the other day I was in stop and go traffic and did all I could NOT to stop under the overpass.

I was watching the NBA Draft which made me think of drafts past and starting think about the Portland Trail Blazers.

How would you like to be the franchise which passed on Michael Jordan for Sam Bowie … and now passed on Kevin Durant for Greg Oden?

Ouch.

You know what always bothered me as a kid … and still bothers me … when you don’t know how to spell a word and you ask someone (your parents) and they say ‘look it up in the dictionary!’

Well great, but I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT?!?! HOW THE FUCK AM I GONNA LOOK IT UP SMARTASS?!?!

I keep hearing a radio ad about boating safety … did you know that 9 out of 10 drowning victims weren’t wearing a life vest?

I would be the one asshole to drown while WEARING a life vest.

I was at McDonalds (no that’s not the bit) and I saw this big fat dude wearing a JaMarcus Russell jersey and he was just mowing a Big Mac … and I thought … wow, there are just so many jokes here.

OK, I gotta run … by the way ... June's song of the month is dedicated to MY Queen ...

Thanks for putting up with my SINacle ass AHM ...