Welcome to Tyler Perry’s SINacle … (I am trying to expand the demographic)

I wouldn’t know Tyler Perry if he sat in my lap, but apparently if he puts his name on something, black people climb over each other to check it out.

Ok … with that, welcome to the years-end SINacle … I am just gonna throw out some quick shit and take a look back on 2011.

Hope everyone is having a nice holiday season …

Let’s get one thing straight … I believe in Santa Claus.

I don’t believe in much, but I do believe in Santa Claus.

I am not sure he is some fat guy at the mall, wearing a red suit having kids sit on his lap ... but I believe …

... you hear me big fella?

One year, back when I was married (no that’s not the bit) … I asked my buddy Mark to pick up a gift certificate at Victoria’s Secret for me. (he was right by the mall)

So he gets it … brings it to me …….. Frederick’s of Hollywood.

I thought he was kidding … nope … instead of Victoria’s Secret he went to Frederick’s of Hollywood and got me a gift certificate for Christmas … for my wife.

I was almost speechless … when I pointed out his mistake … he was like ‘What? Same thing.’

… Ummm no Mark, it’s not the same thing.

One is cool, sexy and classy … the other has fucking G-Strings for men in the shape elephants where your dick goes in the trunk.

Even his wife at the time just shook her head in disbelief.

But my fault … sending a dipshit on a very tough mission …

SIN Note: I ended up getting the Victoria’s Secret gift certificate for my wife … she used it to buy cotton pajamas ……… ahh marriage …….. my ex wife ….

You want a good Christmas gag … one year at my office I was put in charge of organizing the Secret Santa gift exchange.

So instead of putting everyone’s name in a hat … I made all the names mine.

So, two things … first, you can see how people really feel about you cuz you can see their reaction when they draw your name from the hat.

Second … you can see how long before people actually start telling each other who they got.

Took about 15 minutes before I heard ladies yelling SCOTT!!! from down the hall …

A good re-gift story … one year this lady who I had done a lot of work with that year, sent me a box of Sees candy in the inter-office … I thought, ‘shit, I didn’t get here anything’ … so I took her card off the box of Sees candy and inter-officed it right back to her.

With a card from me to her on it.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!

We both got each other Sees candy! How funny!

She never suspected a thing.

Anyone can re-gift … but you re-gift the same present right back to the person who gave it to you ……. That is some dastardly Christmas skill.

So, keeping on the holiday theme … Black Friday.

What the fuck is this whole insane corporate invention … this is the kind of stuff that just makes me sick to my stomach.

People waiting outside of Wal-Mart at 2 in the morning … trampling over each other to save $80 on a flat screen.

I had a buddy go out last year just to check it out … and he said it was worse than you can even imagine.

Seriously, people falling down in the rush and people just stepping over them … people fighting over the last TV … other people grabbing things out of other people’s shopping carts while they weren’t looking.

Are you fucking kidding me?

This represents all that is evil in America … I would say the world, ‘cept I am pretty sure that Black Friday is an American invention … I can’t imagine they have Black Friday sales in Paris or third world countries.

I would imagine in Africa, Black Friday would probably mean something life threatening … some sort of plague …

... in America it’s a plague of another kind.

Society is crumbling.

The holiday season means college football bowl games …

College football is probably the one major sport that I don’t have any interest in.

But I do love the names of the bowl games … the corporate sponsored bowl games.

I mean I know the Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl … Cotton Bowl …

But I saw this the other day … The Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl.

I thought it was a joke … nope … it’s a real thing … I guess its some restaurant chain.

Must be a health food place.

How wacko is that … imagine the players in that game someday showing the grandkids their Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl ring.

Ahhh tradition.

I am waiting for the Astroglide Personal Lubricant Bowl.

Here are two things that made me feel old …

The Real World is in its 26th season.

26th season.

I actually tried out for Real World, Season 2 … in Los Angeles.

SIN Note: no, I didn’t make it

The second thing that made me feel old …

My side company, American Pomade, is sponsoring a rockabilly radio show out in Missouri (no that’s not the bit) and I am talking to the girl who works at the radio station.

I ask her if she is the program director … she says no, she is head of sales and marketing.

So I say … ‘so, you are more Herb Tarlek than Andy Travis.’

She has no idea what I am talking about.

I said …’you know … WKRP in Cincinnati’ …

She says … ‘oh, yeah … I think my mom used to watch that show.’

I ask her how old she is ……… she is 28.

God damn.

Moving on …

Barry Bonds gets sentenced to 30 days of house arrest for obstruction of justice … basically he lied about taking performance enhancing drugs … whatever.

30 days house arrest.

Barry Bonds lives in a 10,000 square foot mansion.

Man, that is some hard time.

Our government spends years and a boat load of money trying to convict Bonds of lying about taking steroids so he can hit a baseball farther.

And the end result is him locked in his mansion for 30 days.

Hmmm, makes total sense …

Meanwhile back in the real world (no pun intended) … people like me are losing jobs and losing their meager 2000 square foot homes.

But good, good … glad our government’s priorities are straight.

You know a sentence is light when it sounds like a good time.

Hey Scott, you are in big trouble … if you keep it up, we are gonna lock you up in this palace for a month!

Two commercials that I have issue with …

One … there is a pregnancy test commercial where the girl is coming out of the bathroom … nervously … than the test is positive and she is totally excited and her husband/boyfriend are just besides themselves with joy.

Hmmm… I can remember a couple of my girls taking pregnancy tests back in the day … I don’t ever, ever remember hoping for a positive result.

Second … there is a commercial about sportsmanship.

Where this inner-city basketball team is playing in a championship game and the ball goes out of bounds.

The ref says it goes out on a player from the other team and that it’s the home team’s ball.

When the player goes to the huddle, he tells the coach that the ball went out on him.

So he feels the need to go correct the ref and give the ball to the other team in the last seconds of the championship game.

What?!?!

There is just so much wrong with this …

First, you are gonna get your ass beat by your entire team, and student body.

Second, you will be ostracized forever as the goody-goody wacko kid who cost the school the championship.

Third, you are gonna show up the ref by telling him he got the call wrong.

Fourth, there is a human element in all sport … including the officials.

Fifth, it’s not reality.

Sixth, it’s just lame.

Seventh, it’s just freakin’ lame and would never happen.

And then at the end the coach agrees, tells them to go play D … and turns to the kid and says ‘hey, nice call’.

Good lord, please …

A lot of NBA player movement and player movement rumors … with superstars like Chris Paul and Dwight Howard becoming free agents after the season it has made things very interesting for their teams.

Paul ends up finally getting traded to LA … not the Lakers, but the Clippers.

Howard is still in Orlando … but the funniest part of all of this is that the CEO of the Orlando Magic ends up drunk-dialing Dwight Howard … I guess telling him how much he loves him and wants him to stay with the Magic.

Man o man.

The CEO resigned the next day.

Imagine getting that call.

I mean we have all drunk-dialed or drunk-text … or received one … but how classic is that …

‘Dwight it’s me … what are you doing? … I love you Dwight … I know it’s like 3 in the morning, but I want to come by your place … with a contract …’

Booty call ……… contract call.

At my last job I actually took my bosses numbers out of my phone … for just that reason.

So I wouldn’t get all fucked up one night and decided to call her and hash things out.

So my daughter rented that new Smurfs movie.

The ‘live action’ one.

My first question … is there still only one chick?

Yes.

Smurfette.

Man o man … all those little male Smurfs and one Smurf chick.

My mind races with this shit.

Why isn’t there a Horny Smurf?

Does she have to do it with ALL the Smurfs?

Or does she have a boyfriend Smurf?

I guess as a kid I assumed it was that one weightlifting Smurf.

I have so many questions …

How do the Smurfs retain the Smurf population?

Why is it even written that way?

So creepy and confusing …

Are they blue cuz their balls are so blue?

And why hasn’t there been a bad porn made about this … the script writes itself?

Gangbang Smurfs.

Date Rape Smurfs.

Everything is coming up Smurfy.

Smurfette does the Village.

Ok … enough … but seriously … why is there only one female Smurf???

2011 winds down …

The best movie I saw in 2011: Warrior.

Hands down … it caught me off guard, I went a saw a matinee with my ol man and I thought it was just gonna be some lame, ‘Don’t Back Down’ fight movie bullshit … but it was more about a family and struggles etc.

It hit home. (again, no pun intended)

I really liked Moneyball … but in my opinion, Warrior was better.

The worst movie I saw … well I don’t know if it was the worst, but I just watched Straw Dogs.

It had all my favorite things: Rednecks, rapists, pedophiles and pussies.

I am not sure it was a bad movie or if it’s just not my kind of movie … one of those movies you only have to watch once, if at all … like Seven or Requiem for a Dream.

Maybe not as haunting as those two … but still you feel like you need a shower after watching it … just to get it off you.

2011 also marked the end of Rescue Me.

Awesome show.

Sad to see it end, but they all must end.

Denis Leary’s character, Tommy Gavin, was almost like looking in the mirror.

Hard to watch for me at times … but I am gonna miss it.

In a world full of reality shows, Rescue Me and Lost (which ended in 2010) gave me hope for scripted television.

The sitcom I enjoy the most is Community … it’s pop culture gold … but apparently it’s on hiatus and is more than likely being cancelled … but check it out if you can …

Ok that’s it … on to 2012 … and remember the Mayan’s predicted that the world would end in 2012.

Which I think is bullshit cuz if the Mayan’s were so fucking smart … how come they couldn’t see their own demise coming.

I gotta run … I will leave you with this quote:

“When I drink, I actually start inventing sins.” – Tommy Gavin (Denis Leary), Rescue Me

Happy New Year everyone … thanks for reading …

- Until next time - SEM