Hello my name is Tiger Woods and I am a sex addict.

Sex addict. Hot topic right now … sex addiction.

As someone who is a recovering pill-popping, junkie alcoholic … I have a bit of understanding about addiction.

So I am respectful of true addiction. And yes there are sex addicts … I have spent time in the rooms of recovery with true sex addicts. People can be addicted to anything … drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, shopping, video games, food … anything … when it’s done in excess to the point of not being healthy.

So back to poor Tiger and his bullshit … now it’s a fucking cop out … David Duchovney, Kanye West, Charlie Sheen, Billy Bob Thornton, Tiger Woods … these celebrities now who get caught cheating all of a sudden cry SEX ADDICTION and we are supposed to give them a pass.

At least Billy Bob lived up to it … he ended up banging his sex therapist.

In rehab we were told that ‘relapse was part of recovery’ … part of our ‘disease’ … the disease of addiction …

So Tiger goes thru ‘rehab’ … if he comes out and goes to get a short-stack and ends up banging his IHOP waitress … is that a relapse or him just being a man?

If I have a 3-way with a couple college girls is it because I am a sex addict or because I am a full blooded heterosexual American male?

I mean, what has happened to men in this country?

Have we gotten to the point where everything is a ‘disease’ or are we just better at cop-outs? Finding and assigning blame?

Everything is now a disorder … everything has a pill … watch TV sometime and every other commercial is to promote some pill to cure some new disease.

Restless leg disorder. Restless and bored disorder. Bored with life disorder.

Do you think the pharmaceutical companies make up these diseases to sell more pills, just like Hallmark makes up holidays to sell more greeting cards?

So is Tiger taking an ‘I like sex with porn-stars’ pill?

Does it cure him from being a man?

Was Bill Clinton a sex addict or was he just a horny motherfucker who never got a good blow job from his wife?

I am in AA and I sit in a room everyday and people have 30+ years of sobriety, but there are some poor individuals who go ‘in-n-out’ of recovery (no pun intended) … people who can’t stay sober.

They come back in, raise their hand as a ‘newcomer to recovery’ and we all clap for them and welcome them back.

So a sex addict comes back to recovery after a ‘bender’ of cheap motels and 20 dollar whores … do they all just hug him?

And then what does that lead to? … a bunch of sex addicts hugging each other?

I want to know what happened to men being men?

When men were just dastardly, boozing, womanizing motherfuckers.

Steve McQueen is rolling over in his fucking grave right now: Men in 2010 … addicted wussies.

Oh, I have a disease … yeah, I like to fuck pretty girls too … it’s the disease of heterosexuality you candy ass.

If Tiger wasn’t rich and famous … I’ll bet his disease wouldn’t be as bad. Seriously … porn stars don’t throw their panties and geeky golfers name Eldrick. (see last month’s SIN)

Watch Mad Men sometime ... can’t imagine Don Draper crying ‘sex addict’ … fuck, he just likes booze, cigarettes, money and other people’s wives.

OK.

Hi honey … how was your day …

Oh, sweetie … my disease is really acting up … I fucked your best friend today … boy, I need a meeting!

What the fuck?!?!

It’s bullshit ... such bullshit. It disrespects true addiction and the people that battle their demons on a daily basis. These fucking guys use 'addiction' as some sort of 'adultery hall pass'.

And how do sex addicts taper off?

Just blow jobs?

Then hand jobs?

Then phone sex?

Flirty emails, then some light ‘sexting’?

Do they get a chip? Hey it’s been 30 days since that chick blew me in the parking lot at Arby’s!!!

Wow, what great progress! Everyone clap for him!

I mean am I the only one who thinks these stars crying sex addiction is fucking ridiculous?

Help me, help me … I like to have sex with pretty girls …

Man, get that poor guy some help …

K, I’m done with that shit … fuck those pussies … wait, that’s that seems to be the problem …

I was watching the last few Sons of Anarchy’s recently … and an odd thing came over me:

Henry Rollins looked old.

Angry, muscled, punk rock poet Henry Rollins is looking old to me.

Just an odd, odd feeling … like the first time you think you might be able to kick your own dad’s ass.

But that does bring me to February’s song of the month … a song from SOA, season 2 episode called 'The Culling', where the Sons are getting packed up to go battle it out with Rollins’ Arian Bros … no words in the scene, just this intense song by a band called Straylight Run … the song is called Hands in the Sky. Give it a listen.

Speaking of Sons of Anarchy … another classic SINacle bit is hot chicks gone bad … originally brought to you with Kathleen Turner as the queen of this horrible syndrome (maybe there is a pill) … but I have to tell you Katey Sagal, yes Peg Bundy, is holding up very nicely. For those who don’t know, she is one of the main characters on SOA and she looks great.

Another one for the ‘aging very well’ is Barbara Eden … I caught a part of the George Lopez Show (no that’s not a bit) and she was a guest star and man she is still gorgeous.

But alas two more for the Kathleen Turner list … Carrie Fisher … yep, you wouldn’t want to see Princess Leia in that golden bikini these days … not so good.

And one more … Theresa Russell who was that slinky little vixen from Black Widow, she had a nice run in the 80's and 90's … I have seen her in a few guest spots she should be playing fullback for the Rams.

Is it too much to ask that our beautiful stars stay in shape? Don’t they owe it to us?

Hey, buy a treadmill or do us all a favor and stay out of the public eye …

Like Valerie Bertinelli , god bless her … she stayed at home when she wasn’t as cute and then she got in shape and came back to us …

It should be in their contract …

Man … I am fired up this month … so let’s keep going …

Is it possible for any guy to wear one of those Ed Hardy t-shirts and NOT look like a complete douche bag?

I mean seriously … I see a guy in one of those Ed Hardy’s, graphics all over it and I immediately think …. douche bag. Like a team of douche's. The douche bag uniform, they should have numbers put on 'em.

Used to be the ‘Affliction’ t-shirt was the go-to douche bag wear … now big league douchery is the Ed Hardy T … minor leagues would be the button down shirts with graphics all over it … you know the button down shirt with the big cross on the back and the skull and dagger on the side. Tattoo’d clothing.

And before you get to the minors, you just wear a black wife-beater … that is douche bag in training wear.

K, I am gonna take a breath … and fire off some quick hitters …

You see these people after the first of the year and they have that resolution to get into shape. So they go buy a nice 10 speed bike … but can you wait for a while before you buy the Lance Armstrong uniform. Why does everyone who decides to ride a bicycle decide they also a must to wear the ‘biker shorts’ and full racer uni? … do us all a favor and give it a few months …

I haven’t watched much of the Winter Olympics … but I am intrigued by some Olympic sports … yes we all make fun of curling … the brooms, the ice, etc … but the Winter Olympic sport I love is the Biathlon. Cross-country skis and rifles! I love that shit.

It’s like a bunch of drunk guys made up a sport.

I was making a shopping list and is there a gayer word to say or write than ‘shampoo’?

Of course a man making a ‘shopping list’ isn’t that macho to begin with.

Or is using the word ‘macho’ …

I was at a supermarket deli the other day ordering a sandwich … and I asked for rye bread, and the guys says ‘sorry, we’re out of rye’ … I look at him and say … ‘We’re in a fucking Safeway ... can I go grab some off the shelf?’

I was at Taco Bell and they have ‘Pacific Shrimp Tacos’ … hmmm, seems like food poisoning waiting to happen.

Flipping thru my channel guide I saw this movie: Leprechaun 4.
Leprechaun 4? Was there so much momentum and good press after Leprechaun 3 that there had to be another?

And Pitman and I can’t get Liars’ Dice made.

From the ‘seemed like a good idea’ and ‘it seemed so easy to do’ department: self applied auto window tinting.

Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum was busted for marijuana possession. Hmmm, never saw that coming …

 

 

 

 

 

The G4 Network (channel 310), had a marathon of Cheaters on Valentine’s Day … followed by coverage of the Adult Entertainment Expo ’10 …

God Bless America …


- Until Next Time - SEM